Awful Things It’s Apparently Okay to Celebrate On Halloween

Unless you’re an amoral pornographer—wait, that’s a double negative. Unless you’re just a pornographer, you probably have some reservations about the idea of a donkey or a moose cub being sodomized. We’re pretty sure the bible mentions something about being damned for all eternity for having sex with an animal. If it wasn’t for Halloween, perhaps we’d never be able to joke around and comprehend the tangible physical logistics of such a thing. Thanks, Halloween!

For the other 364 days out of the year, America and other Western nations spend a good chunk of money on propaganda designed to convince people not to blow themselves up in an effort to get those 72 virgins. And normally, authority figures and law enforcement specialists would frown upon seeing somebody walking down the street draped in robes and strapped with plastic bricks. But on a day that was started to honor the memory of the dead, apparently it’s fair game to commemorate people who kill themselves for a living.

Usually, dead babies are kind of a sad thing. But turn that bead baby into a satanic, flesh-eating zombie antichrist, and WHAMMY—let’s party America! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! Dead babies are like pretty much anything in that if you make it a zombie, or somehow associate it with a zombie, all meaning is thrown out the window…all meaning except awesomeness, that is. BAM!

If there was ever any doubt that the used tampon visual was the most effective boner suppressant of all time, the first five minutes of the movie Carrie squashed it. Used tampons have roughly the same effect on guys that salt has on garden snails. But it’s not that big of a deal, because Halloween is no time for boners. Wait, what are we saying? There’s always time for boners. And speaking of…

What do spontaneous boners and ninjas have in common? They both strike when you least expect it. What do spontaneous boners and ninjas not have in common? Spontaneous boners wait until you’re in a public place to do it. Because of this, every guy learns early on in life that they are to be both greatly feared and concealed by any means necessary. And this is why Halloween really doubles as Christmas for guys still capable of a stray boner here and there, because they finally have a chance to be proud of their business.

Few things in life are creepier than this commercial about anorexia, which would make it all the more maddening to think about people joking about it. For all the social pressure to be thin and the psychological havoc it creates in millions of women, you’d think they’d rather dress up as Ike Turner than endorse an effigy of an anorexic chick. Then again, laughter is the best medicine, right?